Hey you B-movie maniacs, listen up!

I got a few things (other than bacon bits and an painful rash) that I need to get off of my chest ... so I thought I'd waste your time, along with mine, for some ramblings, whining, bitching, and some of what Mr. T and I affectionately refer to as "JIBBA-JABBER".

So let's get our collective toes out of the frigid waters of apprehension (because you know as well as I, that this column is probably a bad idea on my part), and dive right into the shallow end of my thoughts. Let's talk about the very media that so viciously consumes hours of my time when I'm not willingly volunteering it.

TELEVISION.

I've heard it referred to as "the great baby sitter", it informs us, educates us, enlightens us, frightens us, makes us cry, laugh, and most of all, THINK. Bullshit! That's right, Bullshit! (damn that looks dramatic!)
Sure it's a cheap way of letting prowlers know you're home when you're really not. My parents tried this ruse once. My dad said "If you leave the TV on real loud, the burglars will think we're HOME!" My mom said "If you leave the TV on real loud, the burglars will know that we have a TV and they will break in to steal it!" Damn it, my mom's smart! (Although to this day I don't watch my television with the volume up for fear of meeting a band roving TV burglars face to face.)

TV: THE PARTY KILLER.

Nothing sucks harder than a cathode vampire at shin-dig. Trust me guys, if you want instant girl repellent, grab the remote and start perusing your X-files DVD's. And never, ever, ever, watch Dumpsterpiece Theatre at a party. Everyone knows girls hate our show....
Unplug the som'bitch while entertaining, there's nothing pretty about a roomful of people trying to talk over last week's South Park that everyone's already seen. Ever been to a New Years party, everybody's having a good time, drinkin' dancin' and stuff and then your party host turns the music off and tunes in the "Dick Clark's Rockin' Crap Show"? It kinda ruins the mood huh? TV hates a good time. Look at MTV.

Until Next Time,

Alphonso

send comments to alphonso@dumptv.com