Cannibal the Musical - What's all this shit about pie?


Spring 1998... Last night - what seemed very late last night (but turned out to be embarrassingly early) - I found a review of "Orgazmo" on the net. This was a good thing, and made me very happy. However, I have yet to find one about "Cannibal: The Musical".

It wasn't for lack of trying, mind you... oh... wait, sorry. It was for lack of trying. Slow modem + no patience. Nuff said. So, I figured I'd rant about it myself.

Firstly, I must point out that "Cannibal" was my first real trek into any of the sick minds comprising The Avenging Conscience Inc. I did see the "Spirit of Christmas"... um... last Christmas (I don't get out much), but tend to be very closed minded about that holiday in general. This is one of the many things in life about which I am deeply anal. So, I was forced to watch it, and did so with only half an ear and half an eye.

Shortly thereafter, I was exposed to "Cartman gets an anal probe". Unfortunately, I was at work and could not give it even the attention I gave the "Spirit of Christmas".


In February, my best friend and myself escaped Washington state, and came (back, for me) to California. With all of the preparations and catastrophes involved, South Park was, somehow, unable to find its way onto my list of priorities.

After our arrival, we found this really nifty apartment with really nifty (psychotic) neighbors. We moved right in.



Then, as fate would have it, one of our neighbors, Dean (who shall remain nameless), came over to inform us that we had to accompany him to see "Cannibal: The Musical". This was in no way a threat, of course. He was merely stating the obvious. After all, how can you NOT see a movie called "Cannibal: The Musical"?

Cannibal Logo

So, we watched it.

It was hilarious.

It was not - for me - the "What the fuck?" fest that South Park has subsequently become. It does have in your face humor and shit that's just plain sick (like a scene centered around puss squirting several feet from a semi-scared eye socket that I have yet to see the whole way through). But it also has more of the subtle humor that most tickles my funny bone.

It makes the best use of the words "what" and "thank you" I've ever encountered, and it furthers the ridiculousness of the notion of duck and cover.



Trey Parker plays Alfern PackerTrey Parker plays Alferd Packer (as if you didn't know), though his bug eyes frequently take center stage.
Matt Stone plays Humphrey, who, eventually, you, too, will want to cause great harm to.
Dian Bachar plays a sex starved, barely post, pubescent.

Unfortunately, these are the only names I can remember as I've heard them so much of late. In no way should my inadequate memory be taken to imply that the other actors and roles are less substantial (it should be taken to imply that I'm showing off that I remembered any names at all, because...uh...that's what it is).

Swan, the first victim, is truly more hysterical every time I see the film. He plays, with subtlety and charm, that kind of optimist that chirps loudly, "Good morning!" to just waking hang over victims, and, therefore, whose violent death is inevitable. Everything is rosy - or, at least, he's sure it will be in retrospect, so, buck up! His perky singing of "Let's Build a Snowman" will make you see that cannibalism is not such a bad thing after all. I may not know his name, but I can tell you, he plays this part exceptionally well. He really is so nice you want to kill him.


Scene from Cannibal the MuscialThe character of Bell is much more reserved, at least until the infection makes him insane. Then, of course, he's a first class nutter. I give him 3 1/2 chainsaws and an A+ for his almost death scene.

Mr. Miller seems a bit more camera shy, but he really comes out in the scenes where he's bitching at someone. And, hey, that's what really matters anyway. He's adroit at not singing (a man after my own heart), and does a pretty gosh, darn good Abe Lincoln.

Noon, the post pubescent pervert,...uh...well...actually, that pretty much says it all. His one track mind makes him a pretty one dimensional character, lending the movie it's only semblance of realism. He is , after all, a 19 year old boy. This is an actor with quite a talent for physical comedy. I recommend you keep your eyes on his expressions.



Humphrey is "every geek": compulsive liar, scrunched face, and none too bright. Another good show of physical comedy, and the issuer of my favorite line in the movie:

"...we're completely fucked!"
wav file 138k (thanx Wedgie!)

It's much funnier in context. No, really.
He's thoroughly annoying, but in an unlovable way. His death is another that is pretty much applauded.

Jason McHughI have come across the funniest story that I've read in a while. I totally peed my pants. It's "The Making of Cannibal the Musical" written by a seriously cool guy, Jason McHugh,
a star and producer of the film. His story and much more can be found at CrapTV


Trey & his Horse, Liane Then, there's Liane. But we'll get to her later.
At least, I assume we will, since everyone else has.

Alferd Packer, those with the patience for the internet have told me, is the only American ever convicted of cannibalism. This fact brings to mind a certain kind of man. It speaks of a certain harshness; an arrogance that leads to the truly sinister. It speaks of strength and that wicked intelligence that becomes true cruelty.

Chuck it - he's a dolt.


Trey ParkerThe debate still rages in my cerebellum - innocent or just really, really stupid? It's hard to tell with this interpretation of the man. Parker plays a Packer that is naive, simple minded and possibly inbred. Again, the physical comedy is top notch. His stupidity (Packer's) is the very meat of the more subtle jokes, and his execution (Parker's) of the role makes it priceless. Not to mention the fact that he looks damn good in tights.


those crazy trappers

The writing is brilliant, and, from me, that's saying something. Lacking the talent to write a script myself, I am, of course, very critical of them. But, because of the special kind of humor (and, yes, I do mean "short bus" special), it could not fly without the sound support of those portraying it and those behind it.

"Cannibal" is directed by Trey Parker (big shock). How many hats can this guy wear? And how the fuck do you direct a scene when you're way in the background of it? Perhaps my having exactly no fucking clue how this shit works is what feeds my awe at his ability to do it. Perhaps. And perhaps he's just brilliant.

If you're not familiar with the story line yet (hello?!), I'm not gonna tell you. You have to see it to believe it anyway. I will say, however, that this movie is nuts - a perfect 5 chain saw rating and a definite guttbuster.

My advice: find it; watch it; lather, rinse, repeat.



By the way-
I was an extra in
"BASEketball"! all about it!




Other Cannibal Links

They are popping up everywhere!!
(this page has been around since 1998, when it was just me & wedgie!)

Internet TV's Cannibal video clip
Cannibal the Musical: A Shpadoinkle Page
Cannibal: The Musical
MetroActive Movies | Cannibal! The Musical
  Cannibal! The Musical - IMDb Profile
Extras, easter eggs, secrets, cheats, codes for Cannibal! The Musical (DVD).
The Alfred Packer Collection at the Colorado State Archives Guide

Sure, Cannibal is a great movie...but what about a stage version?
This page will take you on the journey from rehearsals, to set construction to costuming and makeup and then the actual play, to be presented Memorial Day weekend 1998, by Sierra College in Rocklin, CA.

Don't forget...
You can buy copies of BASEketball
Cannibal! The Musical
South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
all at!!!


My Matt & Trey Photo Gallery has many more screenshots from Cannibal the Musical, just some of the over 600 images that you will love!
write to me for the secret URL!

for faster access, click here: amazon Honor System Click Here to Pay Learn More


Web Shit by Nancy
The previous article(s) expresses only the view and opinions of the author and in no way represents the views or opinions of this site or anyone else submitting to this site. Any conclusions drawn by the reader in regards to the authors mental state (or lack thereof), obsessive/compulsiveness, possible stalkings, personal hygiene or other derangements should, therefore, be kept separate from conclusions regarding any other authors or persons otherwise making submissions to this site. The representation of each submissioners mental unstability is the responsibility of each submissioner, and should be judged, therefore, on a case by case basis as aberrations tend to vary greatly and must be viewed in this manner to be truly appreciated. Your mileage may vary. Void where prohibited.

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